Ask Uncle Ed (itor)
And he'll find you a way out....or maybe not.
1. Sunday Lunch with the Prospective in-laws
Caroline is expecting Rich for Sunday lunch at her parents, but Sal is short and needs Rich to play.....what does Rich do?
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Response A (David Beal)
As the meal begins Rich should drop his head into his roast and leave it there for 10 seconds, then raise his head, shout:
"t*ts t**t" at the mother in law, followed by "b*******s Sal horses, **t !!!!"
...punch the father-in-law and leg it to Spye!
Explain the following day that you have sporadic tourette's. (this should be used sparingly as a shock tactic)
Response B (Diane Isaacs)
Rich: “Sorry Sal! I couldn’t possibly miss Sunday dinner with Caroline’s parents. I will be available next week.”
Editor comment: Yeah, likely story, he's only played one Sunday this season, and he's vice -captain!!!!!! |
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2. Emergency Exit
Having failed to turn-up at Spye, Sal is desperate. He has a substitute fielder, but really needs Rich to bat. Rich is contemplating his mother-in-law's trifle (which is her pride and joy). After receiving an emergency plea on his mobile from Sal.....what does Rich do next?
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Response A (David Beal)
He must pretend that the vet has phoned to say his dog has died.
(I bet he's got one of those rat things like his idol Paris Hilton! I can see it now, Rich and Tarquin the Pooch mincing down Milsom Street with a 50p stuck up their ******** arses!
Sorry. I lost it a bit there, must be my sporadic tourette's)
Response B (Diane Isaacs)
Rich: “The trifle is divine! I’ll save you some”
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3. Wednesday Night
Rich has promised John Beal Junior that he will play cricket in a top of the table midweek league clash, but Caroline reminds him that he promised her a romantic night in....what does Rich do?
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Response A (David Beal)
Rich has no hope with this one as Caroline knows all too well that due to JB juniors captaincy there is no top of the table clash!
Response B (Diane Isaacs)
b) Rich “A night in with Caroline or a game of cricket? Hmmmm .. no contest. Caroline wins”
Editor comment: This is getting desperate! Surely, there's a way out or our midweek team might as well pack in now!!! |
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4. Sunday Tea
After being allowed to play cricket on Sunday, Rich has forgotten to make Sunday teas, and really needs some help....How does he get round Caroline?
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Response A (David Beal)
Rich should wear his very tight clothing (as seen on Starsky and Hutch) and put on some extra brut, perhaps applying a splash or two in the love region. He could open his shirt to reveal one of his many prized medallions, flick on his favourite Leo Sayer track, and let the love stump do the talking. xxx
Response B (Diane Isaacs)
Rich: “Sorry darling! No more cricket for a week. I will take you shopping and pamper you for the day”
Editor comment: I think I want to throw up. If Rich did this, I would personally have to hit him!....and I'm a pacifist !!!...(well almost......come to think of it, I'm not one at all)
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5. Totty on Tour
Rich has been given permission to go on tour providing he behaves himself, but some pretty totty from Totness starts to dance with him. The DJ plays a slow romantic song, and she puts her arms around his neck. She is lovely, and is about to kiss him. Rich clearly would like to taste her lipstick, but he then thinks of Caroline....what does Rich do?
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Response A (David Beal)
In this situation rich should always think of Caroline and remember that as he stands there with his arms around the totty from Totness (more likely Tommy from Totness!), that Caroline is at that very moment enjoying oysters and champagne with her well hung surgeon friend in his newly re-furbished Lansdowne crescent four storey Georgian home!
Response B (Diane Isaacs)
b) Rich (pushing her away) “Get lost you slapper. I am in a wonderful loving relationship”
Editor comment: Yeah, like he did last time, and they weren't even good looking!!!!
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6. Guilty Moments
Caroline asks if he met any pretty girls on tour? Rich thinks of the totty from Totness, starts to go pink in the cheeks, and his trousers begin to bulge....what does Rich say and do next?
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Response A (David Beal)
Shout "c**k, a**e" and grab her chest! (sporadic tourettes - sometimes it's the only option)
Response B (Diane Isaacs)
Rich “Of course not! No one compares to you and I am very excited to see you!”
Editor comment: Nice one, lick it....sorry, like it!
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